


i wanna be your girlfriend

by GWritesNovels



Category: Doki Doki Literature Club! (Visual Novel)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Real World, Angst, Anxiety Disorder, But she's still a lil intense with her crushes, F/F, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Mental Health Issues, Monika just really needs a hug, Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, Yuri really needs a hug too, au where Monika didn't do That Thing
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-17
Updated: 2020-06-30
Packaged: 2021-03-04 01:28:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,721
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24775402
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GWritesNovels/pseuds/GWritesNovels
Summary: "I don't wanna be your friend, I wanna kiss your lips." ~ Girl in RedIn which Yuri downloads Tinder at her friends' request, and Monika does everything in her power to do something about it.{Alternatively, in which Monika is incapable of confessing her feelings like a normal damn person.}
Relationships: Monika/Yuri (Doki Doki Literature Club!), Natsuki/Sayori (Doki Doki Literature Club!)
Comments: 10
Kudos: 83





	1. i wanna feel you close

“Hey, Monika, come help us set up Yuri’s Tinder profile!"

The club president slumps in her seat and picks up her reading pace, trying to act like she didn’t hear Sayori. Honestly, she’s been hoping and praying that this day would never come, although she’s not entirely sure why. But after Natsuki asked the coral-haired girl out, the pair became convinced that they should help the most timid member of the group find someone for herself as well. 

Apparently, the brunette is on her own because she’s “outgoing” and “literally anyone would love to have her.”

Monika hears footsteps rapidly approaching and buries her face in her book even further. “You gonna come help us or what?” The emerald-eyed girl scowls, hoping the massive tome hides it. She’s really not feeling this right now, but everyone is gonna know something’s up if she doesn’t.

“Shouldn’t you be reading instead?” she asks after a moment, trying to replace her obvious displeasure with the most convincing smile she can muster. “After all, we _are_ a literature club.”

“It’s been more of a poetry club lately,” Natsuki calls from across the room, “and sharing takes five minutes tops. Plus, we’re about to be writing literature into Yuri’s bio.”

The brunette sighs, finally putting down her copy of _The Portrait of Markov_. The other girls are right. There’s not really any harm in doing this, so why the hell is she feeling so strangely about it?

Turning towards the others, she finds the shortest member with Yuri’s phone in hand, typing away while the shy girl looks on in complete embarrassment. A small blush covers her cheeks, and as Natsuki continues, she hides her face in her hands.

“I can’t---that’s not---I don’t---”

 _Ugh, she’s adorable_ , the club president thinks before shaking her head. She’s been having these random thoughts for weeks now, ever since the night of the sleepover, and she’s been trying to clear her head of them since. Why is she thinking about her friend this way?

“C’mon, it’s the _perfect_ profile,” the smaller girl insists. “You’re gonna land all of the ladies with this.”

“But it’s lying,” the violet-haired girl meekly replies. “I’ve never partaken in those specific activities.” Natsuki, apparently taking this as a challenge, returns her attention to the phone and begins writing something else. What started as a tiny tinge of pink on the tall girl’s cheeks is now quickly turning blood red.

Monika feels a surge of something running through her body. Anger? Protectiveness? Something else? She knows in her heart that the manga lover is just teasing the timid girl, but the president can feel Yuri’s embarrassment radiating in waves across the room. And something about that is irking her beyond logical reason.

Swiftly, she heads over to the pair. “Alright, Natsuki, let her have her phone back.”

The pink-haired girl raises her eyebrows, and only now does the brunette realize how uncharacteristic this is of her. Never once has she gotten in the middle of the two girls having a disagreement, whether playful or serious. The easygoing vice president is usually the one to handle the task. So why is she doing it now?

She glances across the room to where Sayori stands, and even the cheerful girl has paused and is now waiting, most likely braced for the inevitable outburst.

“Fine, if you insist.” The baker rolls her eyes and slides the cell phone back to its owner. “I was trying to help her for a change, but whatever.”

Yuri picks up the device as if it’s forbidden while silence falls over the clubroom, everyone unsure of what to do now that their president has taken a stance. Monika feels a surge of guilt run through her as chair legs scrape across the floor and Natsuki gets up, stalking over to her girlfriend. It feels like no matter what she does these days, it’s wrong, so terribly wrong and she never knows how to fix any of it.

Especially whatever is happening to her to make her act this way recently.

The club president sighs, sitting down in a desk and dropping her head in her hands. She thinks she can put a name to this feeling, and it’s not a good one. It hasn’t occurred in so damn long, and she thought she was getting better. But now she’s gong to be just like she was with him, ruin fucking everything, and she’s scared there’s no way for her to stop it---

A gentle touch pulls her out of her thoughts, and she turns to see Yuri looking softly at her. “It’s alright. You were just trying to assist as well, weren’t you? Because you know it’s difficult for me to---” The violet-haired girl appears to struggle with finding the right words to complete her thought..

“Yeah,” Monika says softly, nodding. “I reacted without thinking. I know she was just joking around, but I could tell she was making you uncomfortable, even if it wasn’t her intention, and it rubbed me the wrong way, I guess. I should just leave that to Sayori from now on.”

“Sometimes intense emotions are a struggle to cope with,” the bookish girl agrees. A moment of silence falls over them before she sheepishly asks, “Will you help me complete my self-biography, though? I feel you will be a tremendous help in describing my attributes accurately.”

It feels like she’s just been stabbed by all of the other girl’s knives at once, but Monika nods anyway. There’s no way she can turn her down, especially if this is something Yuri truly wants.

But how the hell is she going to capture her gentle sophistication in five hundred characters or less?

Finally, after wracking her brains for a good way, she turns to the other girl. “Hey, Yuri, is there any chance you know your MBTI type, Enneagram type, and Hogwarts house?”

~ ~ ~ ~

It’s been four hours since the club ended for the day, and the president is in her bedroom staring blankly at her ceiling. A single tear runs down her cheek as her heart beats wildly, as wildly as it had when the taller girl was lying in her bed, discussing the poignance of multiple classic novels. All she can remember is the way the other girl’s eyes bored into her own, the perfect way her smile had formed when the brunette discussed her own feelings on the works, the way she had clung to the smaller girl like a koala in her sleep, the way Monika could feel Yuri’s heartbeat against her own.

And in this moment, the singular beating heart in the room breaks.

She’s in love again.


	2. come lie with my bones

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Monika's obsessive thoughts begin getting the better of her.

_I have to be better this time._

It’s three a.m., and she hasn’t gotten a bit of sleep. Her brain feels like it’s running on hyperdrive, and she wishes there was something, anything she could do to stop it.

_This isn’t normal. This isn’t healthy._

How long has she been lying here ,staring, trying to force the words out for a poem, hands clasped together and clenched in a silent, hectic prayer?

It’s been an absolute blur, an eternity and a single moment all in one.

More tears leak out of her eyes. It’s strange, normally there are so few that she can keep track, count how many fall out of each eye. It’s her odd, perfectionistic way of gauging her own damned human emotions. It makes Monika feel heartless, like she’s not human at all.

Who could ever love that?

The emerald-eyed girl concentrates on the rising and falling of her chest, the faint thuds of her heart.

Does she bleed? She can’t recall; it’s been far too long.

Does she bleed? Or is it ink that runs through her veins, black and toxic and needing to be released through words?

Does she bleed? There’s a quick way to find out.

Monika sits up, light-headed as she turns to her nightstand. Reaching for her phone, she turns on the flashlight and rummages through the drawer. Under a huge stack of old homework and tests with perfect scores, she finds it.

One large kitchen knife, hidden away for the past three years.

Her breath hitches and her hands shake as she reaches for it. As she wraps her fingers around the hilt, firmly grasps it, gently traces the steel, the machine in her ribcage beats harder.

If she doesn’t think she’s human, does she bleed?

The blade is so cold, so welcoming. She traces it, over and over and over, avoiding nicking her skin. The object calls to her, and she’s shaking so hard she can barely keep her grip steady.

There’s thrumming in her ears, growing louder and louder as she brings the knife closer, examining it as closely as possible, buying herself a moment to think.

Is this what Yuri feels? A rush of terror laced with adrenaline, hands shaking, heart racing?

It reminds the brunette of something the timid girl had elegantly written on a sheet of paper the other day. She’s unsure if it was the beginning of a poem or another piece, or if it was simply a thought she needed to free herself of.

_My heart pounds._

If she bleeds, her heart will no longer pound. But will it even beat?

That’s the thought that makes the president’s shaking grip falter. The steel clatters to the floor, the jarring sound making her jump.

What the hell is she thinking? They’ve all been working so hard to get Yuri to the therapist when she needs it, and they’re trying to encourage healthier coping skills. The absolute last thing they need is the president starting what they’re trying to end.

The girl sighs, closing her eyes. She has two last thoughts before sleep takes over.

_I have to be better this time._

_My heart pounds._

~ ~ ~ ~

She’s had a perfect attendance for the past three years. Showing up to school and participating even when she felt like she was absolutely dying inside. There’s no telling how many times her head has been spinning for hours on end or how many times she’s pushed herself to wait in between classes to let herself rush to the restroom.

So it’s a shock to absolutely everyone, herself included, when Monika stays home from school because she’s feeling ill.

It’s not normal to work yourself up so much over seeing someone that you feel physically sick, but in a strange way, Monika feels like it’s necessary. She’ll take today to just rest and try to make herself feel better and regain her composure, then turn up tomorrow and have things back the way they’ve always been.

Calm, cool, collected.

_I have to be better this time._

She can’t make Yuri absolutely despise her, too.

The brunette grabs her phone and immediately notices all of the texts she’s received. The first is from Natsuki.

_The hell kinda plague have you caught to make you miss school, Miss Perfect Attendance?_

_Bubonic_ , Monika texts back with a playful grin. _Beware, I bring death with me wherever I go. Fear me._

 _You’ve been around Yuri too much. Anyway, keep that shit away, some of us can’t afford to miss school._ After a beat, another message comes through. _And feel better, I guess._ Monika grins a little wider. She can see the obligatory eye roll and arm cross punctuating her words.

 _Thank you!_ she replies, adding a heart emoji.

Next is Sayori’s. _Everything okay, Moni? Nat didn’t see you in class this morning._

_I’m just a bit ill, nothing to worry about! I should be back and feeling better tomorrow._

_I’m sorry you’re sick! I haven’t left the house yet, would you like me to make you some soup and bring it by?_

_That’s okay, I’ll be fine! Thank you for the offer, though. You’re the best, Sayo! Drive safe!_ Another heart.

Monika’s heart skips a beat when she sees the next name. Yuri. _I was informed that you are absent due to illness. I am sending my sympathies and wishes for the speediest of recoveries!_

She reads the message over and over again, clutching her phone to her chest once it’s committed to memory. A warm feeling rushes through her, and she can feel the blush rising on her face, and dammit, isn’t this why she’s not in school in the first place?

Finally, the president composes a message. _Thank you so much, Yuri! That means a lot, you’re the sweetest!_ Then she adds two purple hearts.

The other messages are from more classmates, all with well wishes. She thanks them, albeit a little robotically. Despite her involvement in multiple school activities, it’s difficult for her to really know how to get personal with any of them. No wonder she’s always called aloof behind her back.

But she’s comfortable with her literature club girls, and that’s so much more than enough for her.

Putting the phone down, she curls up under her blanket once more, searching through Netflix for something to watch. Finally, she decides on _Se7en_.

Nothing like a good murder mystery to take her mind off of everything else.

About an hour into the film, her stomach begins to soothe a little, so she whips out her laptop and pulls up her Booklr blog.

Printed worlds have been her main source of comfort for as long as she can remember. When she needs a way to escape her reality, books have always been her first choice. Signing up for Tumblr is one of the best and worst choices she has ever made. The brunette absolutely adores getting new recommendations and other bookish ideas. But then she finds herself spending hours liking and reblogging aesthetic book photos instead of actually reading them.

Just like right now.

It makes her happy, but it feels like such a waste for reasons she can’t exactly put a finger on.

Sighing, she turns the computer off and pauses the movie. Her head is spinning too fast to concentrate on anything, so she lies back on the bed, snuggling into her fuzzy gray blanket.

Before she closes her eyes, she decides to check her phone one more time.

Another text from Yuri.

Four green heart emojis.

Monika smiles as exhaustion takes her once more.

~ ~ ~ ~

She’s about one hundred pages deep into her reread of _1984_ , Muse’s _The Resistance_ album playing in one earbud to set the mood, when there’s a gentle knock on the door.

At first, Monika thinks she imagined it. Then it comes again, more hesitant this time. The emerald-eyed girl pauses her music, puts her book down, and quietly heads down the hallway. It’s odd; she’s not expecting anyone and guests are a rare occurrence.

Approaching the door, she carefully peeks through the cracked blinds.

Whatever is controlling the universe must absolutely despise her.

Either that or they’ve decided to entertain themselves by putting her day of calming to the test.

Yuri is standing outside, thermos clasped in her hands. The tall girl is slightly rocking back and forth on her heels, gaze flickering around as she waits. She’s exchanged her school uniform for an alabaster turtleneck and black leggings. Though Monika has seen her in outfits other than her school uniform, something about it still seems off. Almost intimate, somehow.

Have the other girls ever seen her outside of school, or in casual clothing?

_Stop. There’s no hidden meaning there. You’re not special._

With that thought, the brunette unlocks the door and smiles. “Hey, Yuri!”

“Hello,” the other girl replies softly. “My apologies for appearing unannounced. I was just hoping to help you feel better.” She pauses, suddenly wide-eyed as a realization seems to hit her. “I-I’m sorry, I probably shouldn’t have d-done this---” Her gaze flickers from Monika to the thermos in her hands. “I-If you’ll excuse me, I’ll j-just---”

The sight of her, more anxious than usual and stuttering and second-guessing herself so much, makes the younger girl’s heart hurt.

“Yuri, wait,” the club president says kindly, and the violet-eyed girl pauses. “Come inside. I’m super happy you came, and I’m really grateful that you thought of me. Please stay for a little while?”

“A-Are you feeling well enough for company?” Yuri regards her carefully. “I-It’s really no trouble if you aren’t.”

“I’m always pleased to have your company,” the green-eyed girl assures, and part of her wants to slap herself in the face. _Don’t make it glaringly obvious, dumbass._

The older girl hesitates for another moment, but Monika smiles gently, and her heart warms as Yuri slowly returns it. The smaller girl steps aside, and her violet-haired crush enters before pausing awkwardly, hands clasped behind her back. Monika takes this as a sign to lead the way.

They walk in a comfortable silence, and the brunette jumps slightly when she feels the timid girl’s fingers brush against her own. So slight that it’s barely there, but the sensation sends tingles throughout her body all the same. She’s able to bask in the feeling for a single moment before Yuri pulls away.

“S-Sorry,” she stammers out. “I should’ve asked first. I j-just remembered you saying affection h-helps you feel better---”

Monika blushes slightly at that, astounded that she remembered something as trivial as that. It was mentioned weeks ago, and only in passing. And now Yuri is using it to try to cheer her up. She can feel her heart growing about ten sizes.

“Hey, you’re okay,” she replies softly, looking over in time to see the other girl’s cheeks turning rosy as she twirls her hair in her free hand. “I appreciate that, I really do. It’s very thoughtful of you. Sorry I jumped, I just wasn’t expecting it.” She carefully extends her hand towards the tall girl, who takes it in her own. Monika smiles wider as their fingers intertwine.

_My heart pounds._

It’s absolutely beating out of her chest.

“Were you ill due to anxiety again?” Yuri asks softly, and Monika nods, biting her lip. Part of her feels guilty for admitting that she has a constant worry in her mind, something she can never seem to turn off, because the last thing she wants is for her clubmate to worry about her. But it does feel a little better, having even just one person who has a bit of insight about the inner workings of her mind.

Even if she can never tell her all of it.

“If there’s anything you need to discuss, I’m more than happy to listen and assist in any way possible.” Her friend’s soft smile is reassuring, and Monika almost tells her everything right on the spot.

_No._

_I have to be better this time._

These thoughts are going to be the absolute death of her.

"Thank you, Yuri. That means everything to me.” They enter the living room, and the brunette can’t help but notice the violet eyes taking in the dark brown overstuffed couch and chair in her living room, as well as the fifty-inch television surrounded by empty shelves and barren walls, void of any sign of life existing within the walls.

It makes her feel self-conscious, knowing that the other girl’s house is the exact opposite. Prim and proper, more for appearance and formality than for comfort, but still with the semblance that a family exists somewhere.

Monika has never met Yuri’s parents, but she can imagine that they are very similar to their daughter.

The brunette sits down on the couch, the other girl following suit. She sits close and rests her head against Monika’s shoulder.

_My heart pounds._

Oh God, can Yuri feel it? The hard swallow, the shallow breathing, the racing of the organ in her chest?

Keeping their fingers laced together, Yuri presents the thermos, and the green-eyed girl can see her hand shaking. She accepts it gratefully and opens it. “Chicken noodle soup?” She feels Yuri nod in the crook of her neck. “Thank you again. You really are the sweetest.”

“T-Thank you.” The purple-haired girl hides her face further, and Monika can feel her face absolutely burning at the amount of contact. Yuri has been especially clingy lately, which is unusual for her. She stated earlier that today it’s to help the younger girl feel better, but it’s been going on for a bit now. Soft touches of the shoulder in the clubroom, a gentle brush of the hands when no one is looking, and all-out cuddling when they’re alone.

Monika is absolutely not complaining, it just makes her wonder when and why the switch flipped.

Putting the thermos on the floor so she doesn’t spill the soup, she looks down at Yuri, who has her eyes closed and is softly humming to herself, apparently very content with their current proximity.

All of a sudden, she remembers the film. “Hey, Yuri, have you ever seen _Se7en_?”

“I haven’t. Is it an adaptation of a novel?”

Monika chuckles gently, not sure what else she was expecting. “It’s not, but I feel that it’d pique your interest. It’s about murders based off of the seven deadly sins and the investigators that are trying to find the killer.”

There’s a spark in Yuri’s eyes, and she immediately looks interested, so the brunette pulls up her Netflix account and restarts the film. She looks down, and Yuri is grinning her wide grin, snuggling as close as possible.

_My heart pounds._

There’s no way she’s going to be able to concentrate.

_My heart pounds._

She can feel the blood rushing through her ears, her obsessive mind taking over. She can’t hurt her. She can’t go back to that damned place. She has to be a good person for once in her fucking life.

_My heart pounds._

She feels Yuri shift, looking up from the film for a split second and meeting her eyes. “T-Thank you for making me feel at home when I’m with you.”

_My heart pounds._

A light kiss pressed against her cheek, and Monika wonders if Yuri can feel the pulse, blood rushing beneath.

_My heart pounds._

Yuri settles back down on her shoulder, squeezing her hand a little tighter.

_My heart pounds._

And Monika sheds a single tear. For the first time in a long time, she feels loved.

_My heart pounds._

Even if that love lasts just for the night.

**Author's Note:**

> Hey, guys, thank you so much for checking out my first DDLC fic! I love this game so much and am super excited to delve into the world of these characters more. I figured it'd be fun to start out with a kinda fun fic. Please let me know what you think so far, any suggestions, etc. in the comments! Again, thank you for reading and I hope you have a lovely day or evening :)


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